One Last Letter
by The Lonely Wolf Needs A Star
Summary: James and Lily are dead, Sirius is in Azkaban, Peter is presumed dead and Remus is all alone and write one last letter to Sirius that he'll never send.
**A/N : This is my first fic, I hope you're gonna like it, tell me what you think, any constructive critic is very welcome !**

 **Thank you so much for beta-ing this AbbeyH99!**

 **The cover image is from** **atalienart (on Tumblr), she's absolutely amazing, you should check her out !**

 **Enjoy :)**

 **Last Letter**

Dear Sirius,

I don't really know why I'm writing this letter. Because I feel the urge to talk to you? Because I feel lonely? I don't really know.

I had forgotten how it felt to be constantly alone. But now I remember. And this is all because of you. And yet, I'm writing you this letter. A letter you'll never read. But I feel like I need to write it because I need to feel the old you one last time, even if it's just through a piece of parchment.

James is gone.

Lily is gone.

Peter is gone.

You're gone.

And I'm all alone. It's been a month already.

It was the full moon last week. It's the first one I've had to handle on my own for the past seven years. I had forgotten how hard it was without you all. You probably don't care right now but I know the old you would have cared. The old you would have been there all the way through my transformation and then the old you would have healed me. The old you would have held me afterwards and told me that everything was going to be alright.

But I was on my own, and I was afraid. I was so afraid Pads. I was terrified. After everything that happened, I knew it would be a tough one, tough enough to make the wolf tear me apart. But that didn't scare me, I wasn't scared, because I knew I might not make it through this one, I was scared because I wanted the wolf to kill me. I wanted to die Sirius. I wanted it because what's the point of being alive when there's no one there to care? What's the point of being alive when I'll never see James laugh at your stupid jokes ever again? When I'll never see Lily spreading kindness all around her ever again. When I'll never see Peter's smile of happiness in front of a pile of cupcakes. When I know you will never come behind me ever again to hug me while I'm cooking.

But I couldn't allow the wolf to kill me because of Harry. He needs me, Harry needs me. He hasn't got James and Lily anymore. James' parents are gone too. He has only me now, but I wasn't allowed to keep him. The ministry wouldn't allow a werewolf to adopt a child.

Dumbledore gave Harry to Lily's sister. He said it would protect him until he is seventeen, thanks to Lily's sacrifice. And I'm not able to see him. The Dursleys won't allow Harry to have any contact with the magic world. So I have to keep fighting until he's going to Hogwarts and I can see him and talk to him and tell him how amazing his parents were.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to make it. You used to tell me I was the strongest person you'd ever met, but that's not true Sirius. You are the strong one, you were the one who gave me the strength to keep going even when I wanted to give up. But you're no longer here next to me and I'm weak again. I can't live without you and I don't want to. I don't even know how to live without you. You told me you'd always be there and I trusted you. I trusted you and you lied to me Sirius! I gave you everything, I loved you with everything I had and I believed all your promises but it was all lies. You promised you would never leave me and you did. But you didn't just leave, no, you took everything and everyone with you on the way and you left me completely and utterly desperate and alone.

You've taught me to let go and to let people in. I trusted you, I let you in and you've blown my mind and destroyed everything on your way. You've betrayed me, you've betrayed James and Lily and now you're in Azkaban. I'll never see you again and that hurts so much.

I miss you. God knows how much I miss you.

But I hate missing you because it's all your fault. You've lied to me all along but I can't help missing you. I hate missing you. I hate missing your laugh, I hate missing your sparkling eyes and your grin, I hate missing your buns, your kisses and your morning cuddles, your apple scent and your smooth skin. And above all, I hate missing the quiet "I love you" you whispered every night while kissing me on the forehead when you thought I was asleep.

I hate missing you and I hate you for making me think that you loved me. I hate you so much for everything you've done to me.

No, that's not true, I don't hate you, I can't hate you. I wish I'd hate you but I don't. I love you with everything I am and I simply cannot hate you because deep down I'd like to believe that the Sirius I love would have never done all of this, I'd like to believe that I knew you better than that. The Sirius I fell in love with was a good man who was loyal, loving, caring and funny. No matter what people say, I will always see you like this and no matter how much I try, I'll never stop loving you and missing you.

You made me a better person, you made me happy and taught me to love. I will always be grateful for that.

Eternal love,

Remus

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